Thoughts from a great sinner (and I don't mean that in a good way, if that is even possible).

I was just thinking about how messed up I am. I wish I could express with words how truly screwed up my heart can be. There are so many people out there in the church who seem to have it together and get it, but in all honesty... I don't. Don't misunderstand me, I have had theological education, I know what the Scriptures say. But the truth is that I'm not a good person. I'm not a spiritual giant. I'm not sure I'm even a spiritual midget (or little person). I don't love like I should. I don't always desire the best for others. I'm not always excited to go to class and learn about the Bible. I don't pray without ceasing. I don't always worship in spirit and truth. I don't always desire to go to church. Most of the time I don't know or understand what God is doing. My heart is more broken than fixed. I have taught messages that I don't really live out. Am I a fraud? In the eyes of some, probably.

After all that as stupid as this sounds my honest, deepest desire is to be just like Christ. To exist for the glory of the Father with His will as my top priority. But, more often than not, this is not the case. This journey has by no means been a upward climb, but more like a roller coaster. My life is sometimes marked with great faith, but others it is marked by doubt.

I have done this faith journey alone. I didn't have this great and wonderful family situation that nurtured the faith and hope of Christ in my life. I didn't "grow up in church." I didn't go to Sunday School, but I did go to VBS once. I didn't have a pastor or youth pastor who just poured the truth of Scripture into my life. When I did "get saved" my church situation were not all that great. People told lies about me, with no merit. People blamed me for things that were far beyond my control. I had a pastor at one point who let the church big wigs call all the shots. I'm figuring this stuff out for myself, but I will admit that there have been three men along the way who have helped me a great deal. So maybe it is not fair to say that it has been all by myself, but for the most part that is true.

Having said all that, I must say praise be to God. God is always interrupting my life to remind me that all the things that I mentioned in the first paragraph are not what defines me. I am defined by the cross of Christ. This Christian life is an ever developing and growing process. All those things I mentioned in the beginning are most certainly true, but the reality is that God is ever working in my heart and life to change these. Daily it is a battle to grow in holiness and faith, but it is a battle I am willing to fight. The great news is that I don't fight it alone, my great God and Savior Christ goes before me and the enemy is trampled under His feet. I must be aware and focus on Who is before me, and not fix my eyes on what is behind me. May Christ be the very center of who I am. May His gospel be ever present on my lips and ever changing my heart, so I may share such hope with others. May my life be marked more by holiness and faith.

All you need is love...

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing." "So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." "By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3; 13; John 13:35

One of the most important aspects of who we are as Christians is to be love. It doesn't matter how much you do, if that action is without love people know and above all else God knows. So often we use this concept of loving people without "liking" them. I'm just not convinced this is a correct understanding. Paul seems to say in 1 Corinthians that love stands above both our faith and hope. I just think if we choose to really love, then it will look different than the world. And just in case you were wondering love in the world is that you can love someone but not like them. We have got to be different. I said a second ago that if we "choose to love." I believe with all my heart that love is not something that you necessarily stumble upon, or something that you suddenly fall into. I really believe that love is something you become, something that makes up who you are. Out of that you find someone who there is a special sort of connection with and then you choose to love them even more differently. By this I mean you choose to love them is a different way, in a special covenant way (marriage). You share this gospel centered love with one another, you share you life with one another, you share every bit of who you are with one another. I know this is somewhat of a foreign concept but think about it. If love is a not a choice, then why do so many choose to fall out of love (divorce). Love is something that, most of the time, happens so naturally in the good times but it is in those bad times when we see if we really are going to keep that commitment and love through the storms. So I believe that love is a choice, but I also believe that it is a commitment you make. To God you commit to love Him with all of you heart, soul, mind, and strength. To others you commit to love them, just as you love yourself (to rejoice with them, mourn with them, help them in time of need. etc.). To your husband or wife you make a commitment (or maybe I should use the stronger term covenant here) to love them, care for them, treasure them, seek to know them better and better until you both die (that's why that language of covenant my be more appropriate). Love is such an important part of who we are as Christians. After Jesus tells His disciples of the greatest commandment (to love God with all you are and then love your neighbor as yourself), he tells them in John 13:35 that people will know that we are His disciples if we have love for one another.
This was a struggle for me to understand for a while. When I was charismatic the theology was so jacked up, but man they knew how to love. Everything I learned about loving as Christ came from my time there. Honestly once my theology came more into focus and more "southern baptist" in nature, it seemed like love was put on the back burner. There was always good theology, but there was always people at odds with one another, or just making things up to make others look bad. It just didn't make any sense to me. Those crazy charismatics may not have had their theology all together, but there was not doubt love like the Father desires among His people. And now my Southern Baptist friends, we have the theology that is so biblical but for some reason we find it so hard to love one another as Christ desires.
I pray that this makes sense and it may have to be edited as I progress in this journey called life, but for now... These are my thoughts, feelings, and everything in between.

Wherever He Leads, I'll Go...

The call on our lives is to "deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow him." We must make attempts to plan ahead, but we must ultimately trust in the sovereign purpose of God. The honest and good desires I have for my life, just may not be the desires that He has for my life. This doesn't discourage me or make my life incomplete, but instead offers me great encouragement. I will be quick to tell you that I have no idea where God may call me, but I my prayer is this... "Wherever You lead, Lord I'll go." I'm not saying that this will always be easy or crystal clear but one promise remains, "and lo I am with you even to the end of the age." I don't know where He is taking me, but I rest in the promise that wherever that may be He is. My prayer is that wherever I find myself that I would be an active part in fulfilling the great commission and that I would be faithful with the immediate tasks that He places before me. Of course my natural inclination is to return to minister where I am from, but when you surrender your life to the call of God that just isn't always the case. God will send me wherever He desires and knows where I will be most effective. I pray that I would never find myself taking the place of Him in my life and making decisions without seeking Him. The truth of the matter is that this life is complicated. People will always push you to plan ahead even plan your life out, and I say do that but hold on loosely to those plans. People will always say to have a backup plan, and my backup plan is to step back and seek the face of God. I really do believe that He is in control, and that He can handle this apart from my slanted input. May God truly lead, guide, and direct us.

I pray...

Today I turned 26 years old. I can honestly say that I don't feel that old, but I was going to arrive here at some point. I know that I haven't blogged in a while, but it is not because I don't have anything to say. I think it is mostly that I don't know how to say it. My hope is that my 26 years of life have had a positive impact on those whom I have come into contact with. Not for my benefit, but for the gospel. This is the month of my birthday, but also 9 years ago I accepted Christ and decided to follow Him and love Him with all I had. It has been a long journey, not always easy but I always made it through. I think my desire all along has been to make a difference in the lives of the people I meet, because I know how much Jesus changed my life. It did cost me some friends, some personal dreams, etc. but when I look at where I am now I see that it was all worth it. I have decided that from this year forward I am going to be more intentional about sharing the gospel. Nothing makes me happier than doing it, but sometimes I just get nervous, and don't. I want people to know that I really care about them, that I really love them, and that when I say I'm going to pray for you (I actually do it). I have listed a few things here that I pray for this year.

I pray that the people I come into contact with can see me for who I really am, for what I really desire, and not for who the moment shows me to be.
I pray that people I come into contact with will know where I stand on the issues, but know how much I love them.
I pray that I can be a minister to all people, that I can love the sinner and still speak against the sin.
I pray that I would not disgrace the cross of Christ with selfishness.
I pray that I would always love with all my heart and nothing less.
I pray that I would be a person of integrity.
I pray that I would be funny, but be taken serious too.
I pray that God would use me to minister to those the church writes off.
I pray that I would be trusted by those who know me.
I pray that I would not compromise my beliefs for friendships, but that I could be a friend anyways.
I pray that I would be the gospel, not in actions alone but with my words. People don't know the gospel unless we tell them.
I pray that I could be a person anyone can talk to about the problems. That I would be a listener first, and a problem solver second.
I pray that I would be a minister with my friends, but to them also.

I hope that you all see my heart. I love you. I really do. I want you to know how much God loves you. I just want to make a difference.

Feeding the Monster of You and I

I am convinced as I read more and more...
I am convinced as I sing more and more worship songs...
I am convinced as I hear more and more gospel presentations...
I am convinced...

We exist in a culture that feeds the monster that is I. Our churches often feed the monster that is I. In proposing that I be taken out of worship songs and not I engage the Scripture, but instead seek the illumination of the Spirit in studies. Or how about the gospel that is about the glory of God and not all about I. What is so wrong with that? Don't miss understand me. I'm not saying that all those worship songs that mention some aspect of "I" are essentially bad. And I am not saying that there is no room for me in the gospel (obviously without it I would not have salvation), but what I am saying is that the ultimate reality of the gospel is His glory. What I am saying is that in our culture where we expect everything to be about us and nothing else; this is merely feeding a monster that is out of control. If I am wrong then why do people get up in arms when this is only mentioned. What is so wrong with singing songs that don't talk about me? Are we afraid of forgetting where we have come from? Are we afraid of compromising something? Are we afraid if we don't mention ourselves somehow we will fall to the side in God's redemptive plan? Or are we afraid that maybe we will start to really believe that this thing really isn't about us? What is so wrong with a gospel presentation, that speaks to our need yes, but whose essential message is Christ and God's glory? We always talk about having Christ- centered worship, and a Christ-centered message, etc. But I propose what is so Christ-centered when we feel like everything has to come back around to us. We don't matter. We are not necessary. God could have and can do this without us. God has chosen us in grace, to glorify Him. That's it.
DISCLAIMER: I do not say that I am correct. I am merely saying that this is something I am dealing with. If you want to know more about the gospel and how to be saved, respond or email me and I'd be more than happy to share with you.

This is Who died for you.

"15He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. 17And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. 19For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, 20and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.
21And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, 22he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, 23 if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard, which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, became a minister." Colossians 1 (English Standard Version)

Isn't it amazing that this is the One who gave His very life for you. The gravity of the truth of the gospel is heavy on my heart right now. There is a need for the gospel to be taken to the ends of the earth (literally). As Christians we are responsible for taking the grace and truth of the gospel to every corner of the earth. Understand that if you are a Christian this is not an option. This is your reason for existing, for being called to right relationship with Christ. The Great Commission (Matthew 28:19ff) is not given as an option, but rather as a command. We must make disciples of all nations. We must start in our current context first however. I am convinced that it is impossible for a church to make disciples of the nations, when they are not making disciples in their church and in their community. We must start where we are and once we understand the workings of this process, then we are to take the gospel to all the earth. Without hesitation. Without fear. Without regard for our own dreams, desires, and even life. We must be more than a Christ follower; we must be a sold out Christ follower. May the truth of the gospel and the weight of this responsibility drive you to the cross and to the nations.

The bad and THE GOOD

I have been reminded, lately, of a lot of things that have gone on in the course of my somewhat short life. As I think back I can remember a great deal of negative things that have happened, but I can also remember the good that has happened as well. I truly believe that our experiences, that God allows us to go through and takes us through, shape us into the person He desires us to be. Apart from the grace of Christ I believe my life would be a train wreck. But the fact that Christ is my reason for living makes even the most dark and hard situations seem minor. God has this thing under control. Many times I have asked the hard questions of God, and often got the response that I didn't want. The truth of a life given to the gospel is that it really is not your own. My life belongs to the One who has given me life. No matter how tough things get or how often I wish to give up I must remember the cross and it's call to my life... To die to self and find life in the glorious sacrifice of Christ. The work of Christ for me is unbelievable. To say that Jesus paid it all, really doesn't do justice to the truth for me. The fact that Jesus became the One to bear full wrath of the Father on the cross leaves me without words. In place of my sin, now I have His righteousness. What an amazing truth! The truth of these things is a constant reminder that the good of our situation (lives) always out does the bad of our situation (lives). Someone once said, "Show me one person that lived their life for the gospel, and died without joy." What truth this speaks! Paul said "to live is Christ, and to die is gain." I pray that I would always be mindful of these truths and live my life in light of them. That when tough and trying time comes I will be ready to give a response to them, that the gospel is my purpose and His joy and grace are my strength. My I stand before Him, and be found faithful with the gospel and the ministry to which He has given me.