Thoughts from a great sinner (and I don't mean that in a good way, if that is even possible).

I was just thinking about how messed up I am. I wish I could express with words how truly screwed up my heart can be. There are so many people out there in the church who seem to have it together and get it, but in all honesty... I don't. Don't misunderstand me, I have had theological education, I know what the Scriptures say. But the truth is that I'm not a good person. I'm not a spiritual giant. I'm not sure I'm even a spiritual midget (or little person). I don't love like I should. I don't always desire the best for others. I'm not always excited to go to class and learn about the Bible. I don't pray without ceasing. I don't always worship in spirit and truth. I don't always desire to go to church. Most of the time I don't know or understand what God is doing. My heart is more broken than fixed. I have taught messages that I don't really live out. Am I a fraud? In the eyes of some, probably.

After all that as stupid as this sounds my honest, deepest desire is to be just like Christ. To exist for the glory of the Father with His will as my top priority. But, more often than not, this is not the case. This journey has by no means been a upward climb, but more like a roller coaster. My life is sometimes marked with great faith, but others it is marked by doubt.

I have done this faith journey alone. I didn't have this great and wonderful family situation that nurtured the faith and hope of Christ in my life. I didn't "grow up in church." I didn't go to Sunday School, but I did go to VBS once. I didn't have a pastor or youth pastor who just poured the truth of Scripture into my life. When I did "get saved" my church situation were not all that great. People told lies about me, with no merit. People blamed me for things that were far beyond my control. I had a pastor at one point who let the church big wigs call all the shots. I'm figuring this stuff out for myself, but I will admit that there have been three men along the way who have helped me a great deal. So maybe it is not fair to say that it has been all by myself, but for the most part that is true.

Having said all that, I must say praise be to God. God is always interrupting my life to remind me that all the things that I mentioned in the first paragraph are not what defines me. I am defined by the cross of Christ. This Christian life is an ever developing and growing process. All those things I mentioned in the beginning are most certainly true, but the reality is that God is ever working in my heart and life to change these. Daily it is a battle to grow in holiness and faith, but it is a battle I am willing to fight. The great news is that I don't fight it alone, my great God and Savior Christ goes before me and the enemy is trampled under His feet. I must be aware and focus on Who is before me, and not fix my eyes on what is behind me. May Christ be the very center of who I am. May His gospel be ever present on my lips and ever changing my heart, so I may share such hope with others. May my life be marked more by holiness and faith.

All you need is love...

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing." "So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." "By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3; 13; John 13:35

One of the most important aspects of who we are as Christians is to be love. It doesn't matter how much you do, if that action is without love people know and above all else God knows. So often we use this concept of loving people without "liking" them. I'm just not convinced this is a correct understanding. Paul seems to say in 1 Corinthians that love stands above both our faith and hope. I just think if we choose to really love, then it will look different than the world. And just in case you were wondering love in the world is that you can love someone but not like them. We have got to be different. I said a second ago that if we "choose to love." I believe with all my heart that love is not something that you necessarily stumble upon, or something that you suddenly fall into. I really believe that love is something you become, something that makes up who you are. Out of that you find someone who there is a special sort of connection with and then you choose to love them even more differently. By this I mean you choose to love them is a different way, in a special covenant way (marriage). You share this gospel centered love with one another, you share you life with one another, you share every bit of who you are with one another. I know this is somewhat of a foreign concept but think about it. If love is a not a choice, then why do so many choose to fall out of love (divorce). Love is something that, most of the time, happens so naturally in the good times but it is in those bad times when we see if we really are going to keep that commitment and love through the storms. So I believe that love is a choice, but I also believe that it is a commitment you make. To God you commit to love Him with all of you heart, soul, mind, and strength. To others you commit to love them, just as you love yourself (to rejoice with them, mourn with them, help them in time of need. etc.). To your husband or wife you make a commitment (or maybe I should use the stronger term covenant here) to love them, care for them, treasure them, seek to know them better and better until you both die (that's why that language of covenant my be more appropriate). Love is such an important part of who we are as Christians. After Jesus tells His disciples of the greatest commandment (to love God with all you are and then love your neighbor as yourself), he tells them in John 13:35 that people will know that we are His disciples if we have love for one another.
This was a struggle for me to understand for a while. When I was charismatic the theology was so jacked up, but man they knew how to love. Everything I learned about loving as Christ came from my time there. Honestly once my theology came more into focus and more "southern baptist" in nature, it seemed like love was put on the back burner. There was always good theology, but there was always people at odds with one another, or just making things up to make others look bad. It just didn't make any sense to me. Those crazy charismatics may not have had their theology all together, but there was not doubt love like the Father desires among His people. And now my Southern Baptist friends, we have the theology that is so biblical but for some reason we find it so hard to love one another as Christ desires.
I pray that this makes sense and it may have to be edited as I progress in this journey called life, but for now... These are my thoughts, feelings, and everything in between.

Wherever He Leads, I'll Go...

The call on our lives is to "deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow him." We must make attempts to plan ahead, but we must ultimately trust in the sovereign purpose of God. The honest and good desires I have for my life, just may not be the desires that He has for my life. This doesn't discourage me or make my life incomplete, but instead offers me great encouragement. I will be quick to tell you that I have no idea where God may call me, but I my prayer is this... "Wherever You lead, Lord I'll go." I'm not saying that this will always be easy or crystal clear but one promise remains, "and lo I am with you even to the end of the age." I don't know where He is taking me, but I rest in the promise that wherever that may be He is. My prayer is that wherever I find myself that I would be an active part in fulfilling the great commission and that I would be faithful with the immediate tasks that He places before me. Of course my natural inclination is to return to minister where I am from, but when you surrender your life to the call of God that just isn't always the case. God will send me wherever He desires and knows where I will be most effective. I pray that I would never find myself taking the place of Him in my life and making decisions without seeking Him. The truth of the matter is that this life is complicated. People will always push you to plan ahead even plan your life out, and I say do that but hold on loosely to those plans. People will always say to have a backup plan, and my backup plan is to step back and seek the face of God. I really do believe that He is in control, and that He can handle this apart from my slanted input. May God truly lead, guide, and direct us.

I pray...

Today I turned 26 years old. I can honestly say that I don't feel that old, but I was going to arrive here at some point. I know that I haven't blogged in a while, but it is not because I don't have anything to say. I think it is mostly that I don't know how to say it. My hope is that my 26 years of life have had a positive impact on those whom I have come into contact with. Not for my benefit, but for the gospel. This is the month of my birthday, but also 9 years ago I accepted Christ and decided to follow Him and love Him with all I had. It has been a long journey, not always easy but I always made it through. I think my desire all along has been to make a difference in the lives of the people I meet, because I know how much Jesus changed my life. It did cost me some friends, some personal dreams, etc. but when I look at where I am now I see that it was all worth it. I have decided that from this year forward I am going to be more intentional about sharing the gospel. Nothing makes me happier than doing it, but sometimes I just get nervous, and don't. I want people to know that I really care about them, that I really love them, and that when I say I'm going to pray for you (I actually do it). I have listed a few things here that I pray for this year.

I pray that the people I come into contact with can see me for who I really am, for what I really desire, and not for who the moment shows me to be.
I pray that people I come into contact with will know where I stand on the issues, but know how much I love them.
I pray that I can be a minister to all people, that I can love the sinner and still speak against the sin.
I pray that I would not disgrace the cross of Christ with selfishness.
I pray that I would always love with all my heart and nothing less.
I pray that I would be a person of integrity.
I pray that I would be funny, but be taken serious too.
I pray that God would use me to minister to those the church writes off.
I pray that I would be trusted by those who know me.
I pray that I would not compromise my beliefs for friendships, but that I could be a friend anyways.
I pray that I would be the gospel, not in actions alone but with my words. People don't know the gospel unless we tell them.
I pray that I could be a person anyone can talk to about the problems. That I would be a listener first, and a problem solver second.
I pray that I would be a minister with my friends, but to them also.

I hope that you all see my heart. I love you. I really do. I want you to know how much God loves you. I just want to make a difference.