I was just thinking about how messed up I am. I wish I could express with words how truly screwed up my heart can be. There are so many people out there in the church who seem to have it together and get it, but in all honesty... I don't. Don't misunderstand me, I have had theological education, I know what the Scriptures say. But the truth is that I'm not a good person. I'm not a spiritual giant. I'm not sure I'm even a spiritual midget (or little person). I don't love like I should. I don't always desire the best for others. I'm not always excited to go to class and learn about the Bible. I don't pray without ceasing. I don't always worship in spirit and truth. I don't always desire to go to church. Most of the time I don't know or understand what God is doing. My heart is more broken than fixed. I have taught messages that I don't really live out. Am I a fraud? In the eyes of some, probably.
After all that as stupid as this sounds my honest, deepest desire is to be just like Christ. To exist for the glory of the Father with His will as my top priority. But, more often than not, this is not the case. This journey has by no means been a upward climb, but more like a roller coaster. My life is sometimes marked with great faith, but others it is marked by doubt.
I have done this faith journey alone. I didn't have this great and wonderful family situation that nurtured the faith and hope of Christ in my life. I didn't "grow up in church." I didn't go to Sunday School, but I did go to VBS once. I didn't have a pastor or youth pastor who just poured the truth of Scripture into my life. When I did "get saved" my church situation were not all that great. People told lies about me, with no merit. People blamed me for things that were far beyond my control. I had a pastor at one point who let the church big wigs call all the shots. I'm figuring this stuff out for myself, but I will admit that there have been three men along the way who have helped me a great deal. So maybe it is not fair to say that it has been all by myself, but for the most part that is true.
Having said all that, I must say praise be to God. God is always interrupting my life to remind me that all the things that I mentioned in the first paragraph are not what defines me. I am defined by the cross of Christ. This Christian life is an ever developing and growing process. All those things I mentioned in the beginning are most certainly true, but the reality is that God is ever working in my heart and life to change these. Daily it is a battle to grow in holiness and faith, but it is a battle I am willing to fight. The great news is that I don't fight it alone, my great God and Savior Christ goes before me and the enemy is trampled under His feet. I must be aware and focus on Who is before me, and not fix my eyes on what is behind me. May Christ be the very center of who I am. May His gospel be ever present on my lips and ever changing my heart, so I may share such hope with others. May my life be marked more by holiness and faith.
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Hey Egger,
ReplyDeleteSo it's late and I'm doing my usual: procrastinating my studies and surfing the net. I saw your post on Facebook about this post here on your blog and thought I would read it. :)
As I'm sure you know, those people who "seem" to have it all together really don't. Does anyone? And even those of us who did grow up in church and had all the things that were supposedly needed to grow into a beautiful little christian, we ain't got it all together either.
I know you know these things, a little reiteration never hurt.
Anyway, I admire your steadfastness and commitment, even the little amount you think you have.
I don't even recall how I stumbled upon your blog, except that I apparently chose to follow you and here this morning, you were in my list of updated links. So, I come over to take a peak...and you could be writing about me.
ReplyDeleteExcept that I DID grow up in a nurturing Christian home with great teachers and leaders as a child.
Yet, I still struggle. I struggle with my mind, my desires, my flesh...I struggle every single day and I fail over and over and over again...yet like you...I really do ultimately want to have the Mind of Christ.
And like you...I know that regardless of what is in this human flesh of mine...Jesus goes before me. He saved me and he won't forsake me and he loves me despite my sin and ugliness. His blood washed it ALL away and all he sees is beauty.
Thanks for your post this morning. I needed it!
:-)
Thanks for your thoughts, Micah, and for the encouragement. Now go study! :)
ReplyDeleteSuper- I appreciate the honesty there. This life is such a struggle between the desire of the old man, and the reality of the new man. I really appreciate your thoughts and I'm glad my post was beneficial. And for the record, John Edwards used to be my pastor a few years ago and he has me linked on his blog and I think you are following him as well. May the Lord bless you in your wholehearted pursuit of Him.
you are a saint compared to me you light weight!!
ReplyDeleteYou are a blessing to me... thanks for your blog...we are all works in progress except that most of us don't have the drive and desire that you have. You're a special young man.
ReplyDeleteI believe that PJ. :)
ReplyDeleteAnon- I greatly appreciate your encouraging words. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
One of the problems is that we get disheartened by our weakness,i do anyway.Its difficult to take on a verse like"my strenghth is made perfect in weakness",because we want to be all that we can be for Christ.One verse the Lord keeps bringing me back to is"but without Me you can do nothing".
ReplyDeleteI get fed up with the fact that although my hearts desire is to be holy, i continualy feel im falling short.
I think this is what Paul is talking about in Romans 7.The good that i would i do not and that which i would not, this i do.
Unlike some i do not think Paul is talking of a pre conversion state.He desires in the innermost man to do the good continualy,but finds that as long as he is in the body ,there will be a conflict.He talks of this in Galatians to,the Spirit is against the flesh,and the flesh against the Spirit,only a regenerate person would have this conflict.
The facts are, we are holy in Christ(credited with His righteousness),but we are also in the process of being made holy,and finaly will be perfected in holiness in heaven(no more conflict with temptation).But for the moment,temptation will be with us.Again,I say all this knowing it is true,but I struggle also with feelings of self loathing because I am not where i feel I should be in holiness after years as a Christian.
Perhaps it is the self esteem thing,I need to feel wanted, i need to feel loved,and i think that God must be continualy ticked off at me because i am not progressing enough.Yet I know where my heart lies, and that I desire His glory to be seen in my life.God has used me even though I feel poor as a Christian,and others have said they have be encouraged by things I have said or shared.
Living the triumphant life in Christ seems to elude me yet,it seems that others are living the happy clappy life with no problems at all.
So,theres the the rub,not that cheery is it, but there must be an answer .Thanks be to God Romans 7 7:24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of
this death?
7:25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I
myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
and the follow on
ReplyDeleteRomans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in
Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
8:2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free
from the law of sin and death.
8:3 For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the
flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and
for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:
8:4 That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk
not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
Eric I dumped my facebook account and got a new address redneckcalvinist@gmail.com
ReplyDelete