I was just thinking about how messed up I am. I wish I could express with words how truly screwed up my heart can be. There are so many people out there in the church who seem to have it together and get it, but in all honesty... I don't. Don't misunderstand me, I have had theological education, I know what the Scriptures say. But the truth is that I'm not a good person. I'm not a spiritual giant. I'm not sure I'm even a spiritual midget (or little person). I don't love like I should. I don't always desire the best for others. I'm not always excited to go to class and learn about the Bible. I don't pray without ceasing. I don't always worship in spirit and truth. I don't always desire to go to church. Most of the time I don't know or understand what God is doing. My heart is more broken than fixed. I have taught messages that I don't really live out. Am I a fraud? In the eyes of some, probably.
After all that as stupid as this sounds my honest, deepest desire is to be just like Christ. To exist for the glory of the Father with His will as my top priority. But, more often than not, this is not the case. This journey has by no means been a upward climb, but more like a roller coaster. My life is sometimes marked with great faith, but others it is marked by doubt.
I have done this faith journey alone. I didn't have this great and wonderful family situation that nurtured the faith and hope of Christ in my life. I didn't "grow up in church." I didn't go to Sunday School, but I did go to VBS once. I didn't have a pastor or youth pastor who just poured the truth of Scripture into my life. When I did "get saved" my church situation were not all that great. People told lies about me, with no merit. People blamed me for things that were far beyond my control. I had a pastor at one point who let the church big wigs call all the shots. I'm figuring this stuff out for myself, but I will admit that there have been three men along the way who have helped me a great deal. So maybe it is not fair to say that it has been all by myself, but for the most part that is true.
Having said all that, I must say praise be to God. God is always interrupting my life to remind me that all the things that I mentioned in the first paragraph are not what defines me. I am defined by the cross of Christ. This Christian life is an ever developing and growing process. All those things I mentioned in the beginning are most certainly true, but the reality is that God is ever working in my heart and life to change these. Daily it is a battle to grow in holiness and faith, but it is a battle I am willing to fight. The great news is that I don't fight it alone, my great God and Savior Christ goes before me and the enemy is trampled under His feet. I must be aware and focus on Who is before me, and not fix my eyes on what is behind me. May Christ be the very center of who I am. May His gospel be ever present on my lips and ever changing my heart, so I may share such hope with others. May my life be marked more by holiness and faith.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
